Suspicion about this has been on my mind for quite some time. I always sort of thought I was not being given the full truth but rather just enough “facts” to keep me moving forward and functioning as a mother, wife, woman, sister, daughter, friend, laundress, etc…in the world. But last night at 11:30pm, as I am walking home from the subway in the dark, alone, wearing pants from lost and found (we will get into this later) and using my jacket as a tissue for my leaking nose caused by my horrendous head cold AFTER having just learned how to fake punch a 22-year old (again, give me a minute), I knew I had been right all along.
I live inside a sitcom.
I. Knew. It.
My question for you, my beloved readers, is how long have you known? Did they actually come to your houses and record laughter for the laugh track? Oh, oh, oh-wait- are celebrities involved? And why haven’t I met them yet? Ooooohhhh, that must also be part of my storyline- I never really get to meet the cool, famous people- they are in disguise as my mail person, my garbage collector and my accountant (just give me a hint, George Clooney is somebody, isn’t he?? Please?). And you, my viewers, get to freak out and try to “spot the celebrity” in every episode. Am I right?? And the writers…..I mean, come on, they certainly must be receiving Emmy nominations for this stuff- their imagination, their wit! Good god, this is the best of television right here!
Why just this morning Zoey had this cleverly-scripted line:
“This is my 3rd first week of school. This is exhausting!”
And Kai a couple of days ago had this little nugget:
“Yep, all I did was laugh at just one of his jokes and the next thing you know the kid is asking me for money to buy weed.”
Hahahahahahahahahaha, oh wait, [INSERT CANNED LAUGHTER]
The logistics of my own little version of The Truman Show are quite intricate. I would hate to be the person in charge of scheduling. Creating the filming timeline for us while considering this ridiculous story of continued location change and, therefore, complete re-design of set, well, that is a nightmare. I hope they are getting paid well. (Hmmmm…..) Anyway, I only have one teeny little complaint, and it is not very important, but I thought, being the needy star that I am, I should make my voice heard now and again. Are we going for the “Everybody Loves Raymond” grittier-look or is this more “Friends” because costume design and hair and make-up are not really making it totally clear. Am I supposed to have 3-inch roots and clothes from 5 years ago? If so, no problem, I get it. That’s all part of my “character”, but maybe, we should at least make my side of the closet APPEAR like it has more clothes than my husband’s side? Oh my god, do they have vegan food at craft services??? I’m going to (insert another classic line the writers gave Zoey) “McFrickin’ lose it” if I find that to be true.
And since it hasn’t aired yet, I’m going to give you a sneak peek of last night’s episode. Somehow my producer (of course I’ve never met her- I guess she has the writers “steer” me in these directions) thought it might be a grand idea to have this 41-year-old mother of 4 get her certification in stage combat- you know, for the ratings and all. Two nights a week, I ride the subway + streetcar + walk for 1.5 hours combined to a tiny little studio in downtown Toronto to study for hours and learn three areas of stage combat: unarmed, quarterstaff and sword. Thankfully, nobody “cheaped out”, and they hired world-renowned fight masters to teach me the intricacies of sword fighting, stage slaps, fake punches and quarterstaff parries (a quarterstaff is a long wooden stick, stay with me). These men and women are deliciously-talented and not ones to mess with in the world of stage and film combat. However, as stated by one of my instructors last night- a big, burly, deep-voiced love, “If I get into a real fight, I am useless. I only know how to make it look like I’m hurting people.” I have no idea what I am doing there, honestly, but it is incredibly interesting, and I AM learning specificity is very important when aiming a sword anywhere near a human. I’m not going to tell you about the lost and found pants, let’s save it for the real airing. But I will tell you this: I ended last night’s episode (entitled “Fight Club”, by the way, if you are trying to find it on your TV guide) by “fake choking” a lovely British gentleman 3x my size and “gently” lowering him to the ground as he “fell unconscious”. Ladies and gentlemen, you will not find that kind of entertainment anywhere else in Hollywood!
I would like to thank my cast and crew for making this an experience I will never forget. The joke is on you, though, because I do love my little production here. I am also willing to overlook the continued “everyone play along thing” and go about my business. (With the exception of hair and make-up- look alive, please, we are going to need a little more effort from all of you.) How lucky am I to be cast, unknowingly, in such a beautiful, imperfect show. I have been a part of enough theater productions (oh boy, a show within a show) to know you fall madly and deeply in love with your fellow actors and stage crew. They are tucked safely in your heart for life because there truly is no business like show business.
Stay tuned, my gorgeous viewers………….until next time on Truly Television.
xoxoxoxoxoxox
Um… stage fighting ?
😂😂😂 loved it!
Yes, sister, stage fighting. Let’s be accurate though and call it stage “combat”. hahahahahaha love you. Promise, this will be another blog piece entirely- coming soon.